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Three Reasons Heated Blankets Are Sexist And Must Be Discontinued

They Do More Than Just Keep Women Warm…

Feminists find all sorts of every day things sexist, like this woman we wrote about who thinks air conditioning is sexist. But if feminists were really about equality, they would understand that there are many things they enjoy that could equally be construed as sexist against men.

Take heated blankets for example… Have you ever seen a man use one? No. Only women use them. Every guy knows a girl who is always cold, you’ve probably dated or are married to one. But we have to ask, are they actually cold, or just cold-hearted?

Electric blankets may seem rather innocuous (aside from the fact that they can cause a fire and kill you in your sleep), but what if we told you they were really just subversive tools of the matriarchy? Here’s why:

1. They Decrease Sperm Count

Everyone knows guys need to keep their balls chilled to maximize sperm production. With married women constantly harping on their men about sperm count, the last thing we need is our lady covering up our baby makers with a heated death trap each night.

If each sperm is a potential life, then heated blankets are akin to committing genocide against our future. We’re willing to bet Lena Dunham, who has openly called for the extermination of white men, uses a heated blanket.

2. They Make Us Smell Bad

Heat produces sweat and unless you’re having sex, there’s usually nothing women hate more than a sweaty, smelly man. The last thing we want to do each night is be covered by an electric sweat machine and go swimming in a smelly pool of our own musk.

The fact that men sweat a lot more than women basically means that any woman using a heated blanket is trying to make her man undesirable. So if your girl uses a heated blanket, you might as well rip a fart, pull that blanket over her head, and give a new hotter meaning to the classic dutch oven.

3. They Cause Women To Not Need Our Affection

Who prefers a heated blanket over a man wanting to cuddle up and spoon his lady? Women who hate men, that’s who. In spite of our brutish nature and tough exterior, guys like to give and receive physical affection.

Unless your girl has a gas problem, there isn’t a guy who doesn’t like to cop a feel on his lady while they try to go to sleep. Heated blankets cause women to not need our warmth, creating distance between the sexes. If you see your girl with a heated blanket, you may as well just assume that she doesn’t like you.

Do you know any women with electric blankets? Share this article and help us push back against the matriarchy.

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